Born to Act

Bertram Swenson was handsome from the time he was a kid. He always liked acting, and usually got the lead role in most of the school plays even way back in elementary school.

June 2008

Bert graduates summa cum laude from the University of Wisconsin with a major in Film Acting with two Film minors: Theory and Production. After selling off most of his stuff,

he heads for Hollywood, and finds a nice little house on a quiet street.

With a daily internet casting search, he is soon doing small roles all over town. In the course of this, two other things happen. The first is that he meets and begins a regular threesome with two curvaceous cuties, Monique and Natasha. The second is that he encounters a good many Globalist / Communist types who talk too much for their own good. To this end, Bert begins to wear a looped nylon rope as a nautical looking belt to hold up his trousers.

Hidden Camera

August 2008

Bert arrives early for a TV audition involving hidden camera setups for unsuspecting people in all kinds of everyday situations. In the holding room there is an effeminate chap who goes on and on about “racism” among people who insist that sovereign nations must enforce their borders. Bert finds the tone of false superiority particularly galling, but he never engages these people in debate, because the conversations would be remembered.

After the audition, he follows the pantywaist through a park on the way home. Bert gets rope in hand, and at the right moment steals up quickly behind the poor fellow, tosses the loop around his neck, and snaps it back with such speed that skull is dislocated from spinal column. Death is instantaneous.

When Bert hears the cracking, he thinks,

“Ouch! That probably hurts like hell… but only for a second. It is important to rid the world of subhumans as humanely as possible, even within the constraints imposed by field work.” 

Taunting Police

September 2008

Bert auditions at a theater for two roles in a movie about a group of people who taunt police officers. While he’s waiting, he sits in the first row with the producer who seems a bit worried about his long term prospects in the film industry. Bert asks how he came to be a producer.

He answers.

“I flunked the bar exam. Had to do something.”

Bert smiles,

“I’ll bet you enjoy your work a lot more than you would if you had become an attorney.”

“True,”

the producer agrees.

They talk about the future. The producer is a Libertarian and despises a good many people in the industry. Bert tells him about the website The Fulfillment of Evolutionary Destiny.

When Bert comes on, the casting lady likes him, but not enough. He doesn’t get the gig, but it’s irrelevant because the project itself never gets the needed financing.

Cowboy Fick

December 2008

Bert tries out for a cowboy movie. He talks with cuties in the hall. The lady who referred him is on location and looks very sexy. All of this puts him in the right frame of mind, but he doesn’t like the lines, and can scarcely believe the superior look of the competition in their awesome western attire. He decides to opt out.

As he is leaving, he talks to the casting lady about the kind of roles he is seeking in future,

“I’ll play the full range of good to evil, but I don’t want to play weaklings: no drinkers, druggies, or sex perverts.”

Something in his wholesomeness tweaks the lady badly and she glares almost psychotically at him speaking in vicious clipped angry words,

“I’m sorry sir, but I don’t think we well be able to help you in the future.”

Bert shrugs and leaves, but waits in the parking lot. The abettor of foulness comes out with a box and opens the trunk of her car. Bert steps from behind a tree with the lariat he brought for the gig, lassoes her, then jerks the rope hard. Her neck snaps easily. He puts her in the car trunk, closes the lid, and leaves.

Young to Die

March 2009

Today is a low budget independent film about drug related murders in a public high school. Bert arrives at on the set c 8:00 A.M. The location is actually the producer’s house with a spacious back yard that will serve nicely for most of the scenes that don’t require school buildings. There is a good bit of standing around for the first hour or two with plenty of finger food and fruit juice to wash it down.

One of the players is an eighteen year old Islamic fellow bragging  enthusiastically to a Negro man about the United Nations plan to force 650 million Islamists into the United States by 2050. He mentions the proposed design for the new flag. The Negro is getting all goo-goo eyed about it. 

Bert knows that beneath the surface most displaced Africans in America are at heart Black Nationalists. It’s normal to want primacy for your own people in the place where you live, especially when you have been raised in a climate of blaming and entitlement. He also knows that we need to get them back to their rightful homeland, or at very least, to stop them from entering and reproducing in America.

The filming begins. It’s a funeral reception that has Bert consoling a woman whose son was murdered by drug dealers. He’s handing her Kleenexes as needed. She’s a good actress, and the crying is so lifelike that Bert actually begins to feel sad. Production does several takes on this and related scenes with friends of the deceased greeting, introducing, and talking to each other. The afternoon drags on. The film business can be very tedious at times.

At last it’s time to leave. Bert follows the Islamist’s car. At a traffic light with nobody around, Bert grabs his Walther PPK-S with suppressor from the glove compartment, gets out quickly, walks ahead, shoots the Islamist in the left temple, and is back in his car just as the light changes. As he drives away he looks in the rear view mirror and thinks to himself,

“At least that one won’t be making any new ones, but we need other patriots to get cracking on this. I can’t do it alone.” 

Spokesperson

August 2009

One of Bert’s agents calls him at the last minute with an impromptu gig. He rushes over to audition as a news narrator for the opening of a new resort hotel, and finds himself in the waiting room with five really serious cuties ranging in age from eighteen to thirty eight. He feels like he’s at a beauty pageant, and thanks the ladies for being here to brighten his day. This gets him some flirty looks.

Before he can follow up, production calls him. He goes in and is asked to step up on a well-lighted platform with eight production people sitting below watching like a panel of judges. He does very well as an improv on-site television commentator. His arcane knowledge from the study of local mega-projects, helps him greatly, but after the panel talks for a minute or two, they say he’s too young. 

Out of Luck

April 2010

During this period, Hollywood is making gambling movies that are later taken up to Vegas for location shoots.

Bert is playing poker with seven other well-dressed people. Between scripted dialog during scenes, the actors talk spontaneously about all kinds of stuff, including politics. There is a couple who know IMF banker Boris Pilos and who have donated to his Communist organization PALPAP, the black masked degenerates who like to club American

patriots at political rallies.

The couple are airheads like all Communists. They cannot be educated, and as Bert looks at them, he realizes that true satisfaction in this particular instance demands that he hang them side by side. A tall order.

Production will be continuing this shoot and spin-off scenes tomorrow. Bert will have time to sleep on how this might be accomplished. He notices that they leave on foot and follows them on a preliminary reconnaissance run.

Next day, Bert has two hangman’s nooses and a short heavy tire knocker hidden in his messenger bag. It’s a long day shooting the poker material. Bert is relieved when it’s over.

He follows the Communist couple again for a quarter of a mile on foot. They leave the street and walk down a path then turn, entering a tunnel that goes under the street. Now he catches up to them fast. Before they can figure out why he’s there, he whacks each of them on the head just hard enough to knock them out. Then he slips the nooses around each neck.

Bert explored the tunnel last night. There are sturdy lantern hooks on the ceiling. He hopes they are strong enough. He loops each rope on a hook, and first hoists the man, then the woman. Not quite as splendid looking as he visualized, but not at all bad considering the circumstances. As Communist bowels and bladders release Bert leaves immediately. Not good to spoil one’s appetite for dinner. 

T-Bird

June 20010

This one features musicians. They have a chap who looks like Ozzy introducing bands at a festival. Bert will play lead guitar with one group and probably be “uncredited” for doing so, but it will still appear on his IMDb profile.

In the holding room there is a lesbian couple talking loudly about a movement they are involved in to repeal the Second Amendment and pave the way for government confiscation of firearms of every type. An educated young man interjects,

“Are you ladies aware that during 1918-1922 the Communists first took away the guns, then murdered  sixty-six million people.”

Both of the lesbians look very offended and one replies curly,

“I’m sure every one of them deserved it. That’s what we need here, power to the workers.”

The young man asks the ladies what they do for day jobs and they reply reluctantly that they are in the process of looking for work. The young man adds,

“That’s what I thought. It just seems to take forever for Socialists of any gender to find the right thing, doesn’t it?”

The lesbians have grown angry and are just about to say some very nasty things when a production chap enters to fetch the young man and Bert for their parts in the film. Throughout the conversation, Bert has said nothing until now. He gets up, lags back, and says quietly,

“Ladies, after the shoot I would like to take you both to dinner so you can tell me more about that Second Amendment business you mentioned earlier. I have friends who may be able to help speed things along.”

The girls seem convinced, validate by looking at each other, then agree.

Bert replies,

“Good, do we take my car or yours?”

“Ours. The red 1961 T-Bird,”

they say almost in unison. Bert ejaculates,

“Yeah, I saw it on the lot. Nice buggy. See you later at the car.

At the end of the shoot, Bert goes outside. It’s just starting to rain. The ladies are already in the car with the top up. Bert jumps in the back seat and off they go, eager for dinner. Luckily the passenger lesbian keeps her eyes front as they talk. This gives Bert a chance to fetch out the PPK-S from his messenger bag.

They pull into the restaurant parking area and stop. There’s nobody close. Bert shoots both Communists in the back of the head, ironically KBG style. The ladies’ hair protects him from getting splattered with blood. He wipes off any door handle fingerprints, and gets out on the passenger side. Down the street he catches a bus back to the film studio, gets his car, and drives home.

Meeting

On the way to the restaurant yesterday, the ladies told Bert all about the anti-gun group and where and when they will next meet.

No gigs today, so Bert visits the venue and sees there is only one door. Next he goes shopping, and buys some plastic rich in hydrogen cyanide. When he gets home he grinds the plastic into small shreds and puts them in large bottle which he then fills with high octane gasoline.

The next day he has to go to an audition. After dinner he revisits the venue where twenty-eight anti-gun people are already well under way with the meeting. Bert shakes up the contents of the bottle, takes off the cap, insets a rolled paper towel wick, and tips the bottle to wet it. He opens the door, lights the wick, tosses the bottle high in the air inside the room, closes the door, and leaves fast. 

The explosion and residual flame prevent the poor souls inside from using the door to get out. The plastic smoke does it’s work within three and a half minutes. In tossing the bottle, Bert spilled gasoline on his left hand and arm. This scared him badly at the time, but luckily it did not ignite.

Once clear of the area, he makes it to a washroom and scrubs the smelly stuff off. He has to repeat the procedure four times. Gasoline does not wash off easily. Bert’s satisfaction is twenty-eight times the usual. 

Odds and Ends

July 2010

Bert attends trials for America's Talent Awards. He performs a Shakespeare monologue. Janice, the casting director, says,

"You're very good, not great yet, but you will be if you stay with it."

She gives him a script for a short scene, he goes out, and twenty minutes later comes back and delivers it beautifully.

She says,

“Very moving, but rough in places. You need coaching, but I think it would be a real mistake not to pursue acting as a lifetime career.”

That’s what Bert thought he had been doing ever since he arrived in Hollywood, so he is understandably a little befuddled and embarrassed by her words. But, he is also deeply inspired, takes her advice seriously, and proceeds forthwith. The next day he finds himself a five star acting coach.

October 2010

Bert auditions as a smart-aleck bartender for  Most Wanted. He asks the casting director if he should use the appropriate regional accent. She says no. He does poorly, realizing later that using his own voice without an accent is actually harder for him, and that if he hadn’t overthought the methodology, and simply used the accent spontaneously, he would probably have gotten the gig,

December 2010

Bert goes to an undisclosed audition near Hollywood Boulevard. It turns out to be a donut commercial for no pay. He gives them his business card and leaves promptly.

Ring of Stone

December 2010

Bert has vague impromptu instructions about what his role will be in the latest boxing movie with thousands of people surrounding the ring. The easiest way to get there is via train. On the way, Bert is seated behind a young Islamic fellow talking on his cellphone with a friend back in the Middle East. He brags about how easy it is around town, to rape bad American “whores” as punishment for their disobience to the will of Allah in not wearing hijabs.

Bert always carries a spike in his messenger bag. When the enunciator calls his stop, he looks and the coast is clear. He spikes the very pious man at the base of the skull and gets off the train just as the fellow slumps forward. Bert goes to the stadium office. After checking out the options, he decides to skip this one.

Car Crash

January 2011

A quiet nighttime side street made slick with water from a sprinkler truck. There are beautiful reflections of traffic lights and brightly lighted buildings on the intersecting street.

This is an uncredited gig and there is nobody receiving the talent. While preparations are being made for the car crash, Bert overhears a black / white mixed couple talking,

“…with this new plan we will completely eliminate race by the year 2095, based on the assumption of an average lifespan for the last of the racists who don’t want to join us now.”

Bert maneuvers around for a perfect position, gets out the PPK-S and waits. Just as the skidding car slams into the parked one, he shoots the couple, and leaves without getting paid. Since he never checked in to begin with, effectively he was not even present.

Gangster Gig

March 2011

Bert and a friend, Conte, audition for a gangster gig. He only goes along because he thinks it's for TV, but it turns out to be dinner theater. Not interested, but he takes it as a challenge, and goes on second. He does well, and is amazed by his Conte’s acting ability. Others, however, look more the part. Even though he wouldn't do the gig, it’s good practice and he enjoys it immensely. 

Pregnant Polly

August 2011

Unplanned parenthood flick. In a theatrical acrobat audience scene, Bert is seated with a pretty young girl, Amy, on one side and a fortyish, hook-nosed woman on the other.

The older woman is attracted to the younger and aggressively engages her in conversation right past Bert as though he were not even there. She goes right to one of her favorite themes: that normally illegal violations of telephone privacy are perfectly acceptable when it’s being done by government to spy on “holocaust deniers.”

Amy is no fool, and speaks up,

“I saw a 1993 Montel Williams show about the holocaust on the Internet…”

The woman interrupts,

“I saw it too. A crock of lies.”

Bert never engages the enemy in talk, but this time he just can’t resist.

“I also saw it. Not lies, but truth, and they only scratched the surface. The holocaust is just a reparations scam originated and sustained by avaricious IMF bankers. Anybody who reads has known that for decades.”

The woman becomes angry. Her eyes narrow.

“You’re a real prick aren’t you?”

Bert smiles,

“If living in accordance with truth makes me such, I can only hope to become more so.”

No chance in this situation, but Bert has a feeling he’ll encounter Old Hooknose again.

The Dinner

December 2011

This one has Bert with seven other people representing four couples at a dinner table in a fine restaurant. There is live piano, water in crystal glasses, but no food. Dinner is served, but the framing doesn’t show the empty plates as the “dinner” and natural unscripted dialog progresses. The shoot is ninety minutes. The final scene will be four minutes. This will give production almost total leeway to determine character intent by editing.

A young college man about nineteen begins to talk about the longest scam in American history: the unnecessary borrowing of fiat currency by government from the Federal Reserve Bank and the unnecessary federal income tax which only pays the interest on this unnecessary debt.

A sexy blonde died-in-the-wool IMF banker wife about thirty-six does these acting gigs only as a hobby. She listens with an indulgent but mocking smile, then comments,

“You’ve been watching those far right news programs and they’ve filled you with conspiracy theory. You seem like an intelligent young man. I’m surprised you would fall for it.”

The young man naively thinks he is dealing with commonplace ignorance rather than evil, so he tries to go deeper to prove it, but she sets him up with lies and baits him with her polite but dismissive tone every time. Bert just listens. Finally one disinterested chap changes the subject to travel.

The scene is done. A full day’s pay, and it’s only 8:30 A.M. The fake meal has made Bert hungry so he will have more breakfast. In the parking lot, as the banker wife reaches her car, Bert tosses his rope loop and snaps her sexy neck like a pretzel.

“Pity…” he thinks, “nice looking dame.” 

Ace of Clubs

January 2012

This is a very good gig. Bert is wearing a tux, escorting the main star into a business venue explaining the entire operation as they walk. The cameras pan other big stars as they progress.

After lunch in the holding room, there is loud Communist background chap wearing a T-shirt that says Hollywood Ace.  Although evolution was empirically proven in 1929, his religion refuses to recognize it. He launches into a diatribe stating that “fascists” use evolution to justify denying workers just compensation through welfare programs, quoting Karl Marx’s Theory of Surplus Value. Bert can tell this joker is just a bum simply by looking at him.

In the afternoon, Bert does a small scene with another main star. Luckily the Communist is also needed late into the afternoon and Bert manages to catch up with him in the parking lot. Nobody’s around. Out comes the short tire knocker. Bert whacks him on the head three times for good measure.

Internal Flaws

February 2012

Bert goes to audition for True Identity but, ironically, lacks the needed information to complete the long forms.

March 2012

Bert auditions for a reality TV show about decaying marriages. He asks production why they use actors, and they say because they can't find real couples who will do the show. Something about the entire tone of the gig puts Bert off, so he leaves and goes to lunch. 

Sleight of Hand

March 2012

Today is a TV sitcom pilot about a stage magician and all the angst and bickering that goes on backstage. Professional ethics prevent public disclosure of illusions and tricks, so the script is necessarily thin. Very tepid stuff, doomed to oblivion from the outset.

Bert is waiting in a slow line with his I.D. badge. He gets talking with a cute thirtyish woman standing in a parallel line. She’s a newspaper film critic. After a while, when her line starts to move, she gives Bert a V.I.P. badge with lanyard, and they go in together ahead of the movie people. He sits with her.

During the waiting period everyone is talking. When his newfound lady friend gets on her cell, Bert attunes himself to a nearby conversation. A young woman is telling a sixtyish man about how Navy Seal pedophile raids uncover huge numbers of trafficked kids in cages, but how only the local news covers it, and not the national.

The man is a CNN watcher. All readers know that doing this over time is to receive de facto lobotomy. The damned fool has no critical faculty at all. No matter how many facts the woman shows him, he blandly counters with,

“That’s just a matter of opinion.”

The gig starts with some real stage magic, which is quite impressive and unexplainable in itself, then comes lunch, then the boring backstage stuff. The entire business is over
by mid-afternoon.

Bert has to follow the chain-smoking fake news supporter on foot for a long way before an opportunity arises. The media slave cuts behind some stores. Bert gets out the PPK-S, and walks up quick. As the poor stooge turns, Bert shoots him between the eyes from fifteen feet. The spurt of blood falls well short of staining Bert’s clothing. 

High Class Porn

April 2012

Bert does very well at an audition for the role of a pimp in an upscale “adult” flick.

May 2012

In acting class Bert does Horace Vangergelder in Hello Dolly with Phyllis. After class, he runs his pimp lines with Phyllis, then hurries across town to a call-back for the porn movie. Today he reads with the producer, and does even better than last time, but a friend of the casting agent gets the gig. Later the  project funding is withdrawn, so the whole business is moot. 

Dicey

June 2012

Gambling indoors, but an outdoor venue for the scenes Bert will do. First comes a superbly catered breakfast of scrambled eggs, bacon, and buttermilk biscuits with gravy. The situation is a big birthday clambake in a city park. All through the morning, Bert encounters a great many interesting people.

Then comes lunch: Tilapia fillets, tomato slices with Monterey Jack and basil, plus crescent slices of baked acorn squash. Bert finds out the name of the caterer, thinking ahead to the day when he might produce films of his own.

During this repast, Bert overhears two men in their mid-twenties discussing their participation in a program using subliminal mind control to expedite the Globalist agenda for obliteration of all indigenous race and culture.

Bert tries something new with these fellows, a little on-site blocking right in the park. He gets two big sticks. Exiting a thicket he kills them both quickly with the sticks, then places the sticks in their hands to make it look like they killed each other. It might work, it might not, but Bert will certainly enjoy hearing what the police think on the evening news tonight.

Stripper Flick

June 2012

At a bar and grill audition, Bert ad-libs for a role as a nightclub manager in a movie about a young unmarried woman with a two year old daughter, supporting herself as a stripper.

Another day Bert meets a producer at the casting for his new movie about angels.

July 2012

Bert has a strange day. He arrives early to perform a monologue as per casting for the stripper movie. The elevators don't work. The front doors lock down. A little blond cutie comes downstairs. She talks like Eva Gabor and calls Bert  "Darling".

They have moved the venue for the audition across town. She and Bert hitch a ride with a sexy blond actress, who studied with Bert’s acting coach a few years earlier. Bert encounters many friends at the audition, but as he waits in line, suffers unbearable pain from doing too many pushups the day before. He does a bad job on the monologue and gets home just in time for dinner. 

Euro Crime

April 2013

TV pilot about organized crime in Europe. Bert sits talking with production people. It turns out that this is a comedy gig. One chap tells him amazing accounts of Frank Dux functioning blindfolded just as though he were not.

Soon Bert is talking with the primary female star, a voluptuous blonde bombshell whose sexy eyes gives him a bad one very quickly. She notices and smiles with delight. Darting a coquettish glance to his trousers, she teases,

“Guess you’re happy to see me.”

He smirks. They talk for a while, but she needs to circulate, so gets about it. As he watches the people going on ahead of him, he realizes that the concept of this is really not right for him. He mills around, hears a keyword, PALPAP, and eavesdrops the rest of the conversation.

Says one fellow,

“There’s a Libertarian demonstration tomorrow at 9:00 A.M. starting at the college library and finishing at the faculty administration building. We’re planning to whack a few heads.”

Bert hears the details, gets hungry and leaves, but is thinking that maybe he should get back to this show later for a supporting role in one or two episodes.

Forty minutes before the demonstration, Bert arrives, carrying an Armalite survival gun with scope and suppressor in his messenger bag. After looking around, he concludes that there is no safe point for ambush, so decides to follow the IMF ninjas afterwards to see where they meet. Maybe he can blow them up someday. 

Delirium

October 2013

At long last, here is Old Hooknose again from the water-breaking movie back in August two years ago. Finally, justice will be done.

Bert sees her with two younger, better looking  women. He comes up from behind, and says in good humor,

“You there. Yes, you. How art sow? Haven’t seen yez in a long time.”

She replies dryly,

“Oh yes, I remember,

and reaches for her cellphone as a way of brushing him off without unpleasantness.

Bert shrugs and moves on. This is a three day gig with little dialog for Bert. It’s about people who party with booze to the point of stupefaction and public disgrace. Lots of background choreography, but a very tedious and immature story. Despite the story content, Bert meets all kinds of interesting people.

In one scene he is seated dining with a cute Japanese girl and another young couple. Production does eighteen takes, then changes to a scene where Bert is standing talking with a young Polynesian girl. At one point she walks briskly away while they are still filming. When they reset, Bert asks why. She says,

“Production told me to.”

Bert decides that this must be to suggest an outraged reaction to being propositioned. What else? Six takes on this one.

At lunch on the second day, Bert sees Old Hooknose enter an upper hallway with a three story staircase. He follows. They are alone, so over she goes… down, down, down, splat

As he leaves the scene, he thinks,

“It’s not actually the fall, but the sudden stop.”

The police arrive within ten minutes. The cast and venue employees are addressed collectively using a speaker system and are simply asked to please tell the police if they saw anything. Shooting is delayed for an hour, then the police leave and filming resumes. 

Networking

January  2014

Bert enjoys prime rib on the way to a nightclub where the producer is screening a detective series for TV, Episodes 3 and 4. When Bert asked one of his agents about a possible audition the agent forwarded the letter to Stu, already a friend of Bert’s, who turns out to be the star.

Bert must admit that Stu sure looks happy tonight. He also talks with many others, but these are mostly TV people, so he sees very few who he already knows. When they start

the film, the volume is too loud, so he leaves.

February 2914

Bert runs into Stu again as he enters the premiere of a casino movie. The producer sent him an invitation. The venue is huge and a large portion of the Hollywood film industry is present. He talks with Stu and others including one chap he hasn't seen since 2010.

Bert recognizes Dean, from the link sent in response to a film project of Bert’s, and they talk briefly. When the movie runs, Bert sees that Dean is the main actor and a very good one at that. Another project responder, Curtis, is in this film and is also very good. Early the next morning Bert writes a rave review of the movie and posts it to the IMDb.

The Oscars

February 2014

This is the first time that Bert has attended the Oscars. What an opportunity. Imagine, the creme de la crème of America’s Communist movie elite all in one place. Can’t blow ‘em up though, because there are good people mixed in with them, including three Libertarian actors Bert has admired for many years.

He circulates and talks with several producers and directors who recognize him from his films, Bert realizes now that he should have started doing this a long time ago. By the end of the evening he has made contacts for what later leads to eight good acting jobs, two of which are main roles. It took a long time, but as of tonight, Bert seems to be well on his way. 

Ups and Downs

May 2014

Bert arrives at a casting agency to audition for a movie about the Sun. He runs into Dean again, who says that he is quoting Bert’s review of the casino movie in his resume.

Bert is thinking that he should write a small part into a current WWII screenplay for Benvenuto Mussolini. Perfect for Dean, who says he could do it. Bert stops for prime rib on the way home.

Another day, Bert runs into Conte after three years. He now looks like a retired rock star. A few days later Bert receives a call from an old girlfriend Karen. They talk for nine hours.

October 2014

Bert auditions for a movie about the goings on after an important man dies. In a group film test  where not moving is of the very essence, a Japanese guy resting his hands on Bert’s shoulders from behind, takes unfair advantage and rocks Bert back and forth. Bert will be screwing up if he says anything. The casting lady is a twit and can’t figure out what she’s seeing. On the way home. Bert consoles himself with a hot turkey sandwich and hot fudge sundae.

November 2014

Bert attends a bogus audition for a new movie. The phony agency is now in Bert’s archival file.

Foothills

November 2015

Small role as a barman, but in an outdoor scene serving clear steins of red beer, having interesting dialog with four good looking young stars, playing two couples on vacation.

Bert visualizes himself spilling beer and remarks to the director that he is worried that the steins may be too full. The director says,

“Don’t worry. You’ll be fine.”

Later Bert realizes that concentrating on not spilling the beer lent spontaneous realism to his performance. The director knew this all along. At lunch there is transvestite, who is also a convicted pedophile, bragging about his participation in Drag Queen Story Hour. That’s where subverted schools invite crossdressers to take little children into their laps and encourage them to touch their bodies.

A supporting actress, and young mother, speaks up in favor of normalcy and is scornfully shouted down by the drag queen who calls her a hater.

At the end of the day, Bert follows the drag queen in his car. The fellow stops at a big department store on the way home. Bert carries a small electric chainsaw in his trunk, gets it out fast, walks briskly up, and cuts off the poor chap’s head before he can even scream. A messy business at best, requiring cleanup, but noting will put Bert off his special dinner tonight, Pork Egg Foo Yung.

The next day Bert is delighted by a particular paragraph about yesterday’s job in an online trade review:

The look was very good, including the barman played by up-and-coming actor, Bert Swanson. He spoke his lines impeccably and his swashbuckling demeanor was very impressive to say the least, but where is the story truth here? What’s a Swede like him doing serving beer in Mexico in the1920s? 

Werewolf Improv

April 2015

Bert auditions to be a rampaging werewolf and does a superb job of it, but the casting lady is that twit again. All she cares about is loud pretentious talk with her sex pervert friends. Bert thinks about whacking her, but decides not to mix politics with business. He will simply never deal with this agency or her ever again. 

You Bet

April 2016

During a scene, as Bert talks spontaneously off-microphone with a blonde woman, a young soundman wearing pink beret, pearl earring, and Che Guevarra T-shirt notices Bert’s glance at the shirt, and quietly mutters,

“Fuck you, Sir!”

The ball goosing Bert would like to give this fellow at the moment would get him banned from the movie industry forever, so instead he summons the inner fortitude and patience and waits until later. The shoot continues.

C 1:30 A.M.

Now it’s later. In the huge employee buffet, Bert is finishing the last of his food, and here’s that soundman again. There’s almost nobody else in the place at this hour, and a big supporting column will hide them from the few who are. Bert walks up quickly and says,

“Well, the pink-team commie. What do have to say to me now, ball-kiss?”

The fairy looks afraid. Bert gives him a swift arcing punch to the nuts. The fairy curtsies deeply in response. Next Bert gives him a knuckle punch to the throat that ruptures the trachea. The fairy falls to the floor and strangles within a minute or two. Meantime Bert leaves and goes back to the set.

Coincidental timing. A production shuttle transports the entire crew over to another nearby venue. This involves changing wardrobe. Bert pairs up with an actress who seems familiar. Turns out he has seen her as the main star in two films, but doesn’t remember this until the next day. 

FBI Visit

One might well begin to wonder why an actor could be in so many projects where people die shortly afterwards without having been interviewed by the police.

May 2016

Bert is cooking breakfast when a loud knock comes at his kitchen door. The PPK-S is always at hand. Bert looks out. The man he sees looks like a police detective. Bert slips the gun into his pocket and opens the door. The man speaks immediately,

“Good morning, Mr. Swanson. I’m FBI Special Agent John Coluvis. I am not here to arrest you… but I think it would be productive for you, and for liberty in America, if we talk. May I have a few minutes of your time?”

Bert has a good feeling about this guy, and doesn’t spook. He opens the door and says,

“Sure, come in. Please sit. I have some good coffee brewing, Seattle Portside Blend. Would you like some?”

“Yes, thank you. I would.”

Coluvis keeps a close eye on Bert as he pours, just to be sure nothing else goes into the cup.

Coluvis gets right to the point,

“As you are no doubt aware, a good many cadavers have followed upon the heels of acting jobs you have been involved in for the past eight years. The only reason you are talking to me at this moment instead of local police is because of the international affiliations of so many of the victims. FBI jurisdiction is reserved for these bigger national problems.

“As a Libertarian Nationalist, my posture with the police has been that your co-involvement with murder victims in so many film projects is purely coincidental. If you and I talked all day that would still be my official position. If the police talked with you five minutes, everything you say would be, to them, crystal clear evidence of the deaths being anything but coincidental. They’ve been looking at you

as a strong suspect for six years.”

Bert is surprised, especially by the time period, and blinks. Coluvis continues.

“My point is that it would be a good direction in your life if the assassinations of so many left-wing radicals, at very least, lost the tie-in to your acting career. My ability to forestall the police cannot last forever. If, for example, I had a car accident and were out of commission for a month or two, they would be on you like flies on an outhouse.”

Bert chuckles at the analogy. He likes this guy and realizes that he has been imprudent in his wholesale slaughter. This chap is an ally and has protected him for some time. Now, in his mind, Bert is already planning retirement as a field warrior, and phrases carefully at this point,

“I’m glad you told me this, and it comes at a perfect time. I’m tired of Hollywood. I visited Reno Nevada in March. I like it up there and have been planning to move. I have enough foothold in the industry now so that I don’t actually need to live in Hollywood. The move will also solve this new problem you mention. When more cadavers turn up, at least I can prove that I was not in the area.”

Coluvis is very happy with the results of this interview, but doesn’t tell the police anything.

Bert doesn’t feel safe until he is unpacked in his new little house with solar panel roof. The next day he takes delivery of a new Porsche Taycan Turbo S with all-wheel-drive. In late afternoon he celebrates with barbeque ribs at the Cal-Neva Top Deck.

Three months later, back in Hollywood, a prominent Globalist banker, husband of the blonde that Bert killed after the restaurant dinner scene in December 2011, is found still warm in a roadside ditch with his head bashed in. Within minutes Coluvis hears about it, and checks up on Bert to verify his whereabouts.

The pressure on the Hollywood police is very great and they call Coluvis as a formality to tell him that they are going to arrest Swanson. Coluvis is delighted by the tie-in and close-shave timing on this, and says to the police,